Just taking a second to say hey. I've been away a while, seems to be a pattern right? but this time I'm back, to what end I don't know
Everybody goes away in the end, friends, co-workers move-on, even family, and you're left with yourself, alone.
May you never know what I'm talking about, never. It happens all of a sudden, it seems like everyone got together and decided to ignore your silent cries of desperation...
And now you, the few who checked in on my little drawings, kinda pathetic actually, that I look to you...
Maybe everyone is busy with life, that explains why I am here alone, with my computer, my flat screen, my new used car... and a broken body.
I loved her more than anything you know? But in the end it made no difference. they tell you "Love is all that matters" or "Love will make a difference". I'm saying it's all Hollywood, and books and magazines, trying to sell something. Sadly, love did nothing for me. In the end it left my body unable to function properly, and because of a stroke, unable to talk properly. Yep, I've been through a lot, less than some, but more than I'd wish on you my friends.
Because I was in love, and had that taken away, I ate foods that were no good for me, ignored the doctors, and drank, until one night, it happened.
When I woke-up I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but then at work I couldn't speak the thoughts in my head, they came out all garbled, and because I had been drinking the night before I thought I was still drunk, so I kept quiet. I had started work early around seven, by the time lunch time rolled-around I was in the hospital, confused and alone.
Before I left the hospital everyone who knew me, It seemed, visited me, the girl held my hand, one friend checked in with another help via FaceTime, bosses, co-workers, old co-workers, family.
Then I was out, struggling, i was out...
I was able to drive again, legally, I could work again, make money, and I was alone.
Once I got asked if I wanted to go see Ant-Man by a co-worker, I commented that it was the first time in almost five years, that that had happened, and it was, but the co-worker seemed pleased with himself, not seeing what I was saying, that I had been there almost five years, and no-one had asked up until then! You'd think I made my point, but when Monday rolled around the same co-worker said something about what people had asked about the movie, y'know friends, I said no one had asked. No body had asked me because I had no one to tell.
After some car trouble a work-friend was driving me home, it was a day or two before thanksgiving, he asked what my plans were for for Thanksgiving I said nothing, just something around the house, he seemed surprised that my mother and sister weren't inviting my over this year, I said same as last year.
"Really" he said, and I said they hadn't invited me over last year for Christmas either, and that I'd spent that alone too. But the subject quickly changed, I suppose that it's awkward to know that someone's alone, I guess for me it's sorta normal. Well it's become sorta normal.
Like I said I loved her, and now that memory is there, and if it get's too painful I remember the other girl I loved with a capital "L", that ended too. Professing her loved to me one day, then back with her ex the next, hmmm, luck doesn't seem to be mine when it comes to love, still I guess I was philosophical about it, something about having to erase one drawing before you can draw something really good... sounds good right? Well it is a crock of shit too. When in the end you're alone.
This corner of the web isn't exactly for people with lives right? Maybe you can understand, and not deride me for sewing a few sour oats.
So until next time, It's been swell.